The following headlines appeared in yesterday’s edition of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review:*

Envoy:U.S. ready for strike on Iran

U.S. special ops role deepens in Yemen

With the war in Afghanistan becoming dangerously close to ending, defense department officials are scrambling to line up opponents for future wars. Like college athletic directors attempting to solidify future schedules, the U.S. defense braintrust is pulling out all stops to ensure a full slate of hostilities in the years to come.

“We know this Afghan war isn’t  going to last forever,” an anonymous  government insider told us. “Right now, its about the only war we have.  War with Syria looked promising for a while but we really need to consider all options available. I definitely don’t want to be the one responsible for ending our streak of eleven straight years of war.”

While oddsmakers consider Yemen to be a rather weak opponent, the presence of  al-Qaida in Yemen gives some credibility to the U.S. stepping down in class. “What we would really like,” our source said, “is for some “proof” that al-Qaida is active in Cuba. We’ve been dying to invade those pricks since 1962.”

Iran is an obvious invasion target.” We’ve had a score to settle with them since the hostage crisis,” the insider told us, “and now Iran is trying to build nuclear weapons. We’re like, hello, we’ll decide who can have nuclear weapons.”

Slain teen had pot in system

After an autopsy of Trayvon Martin revealed that the Florida teenager had marijuana in his system, supporters of the state’s Stand Your Ground law celebrated the finding, claiming it justifies the youth’s killing.

“Hey, he was black and had a hoodie on,” Cletus Wonk of Sanford, Florida told us. “That’s two strikes right there. And being all hopped up on weed was strike three.  If Zimmerman hadn’t shot him, that stoned hoodlum might have stolen a pizza or something.”

* The headlines are factual. The rest, not so much.